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This morning we are stating a new series, that we will be in for the next 6 weeks, entitled, “Destroy the Sandcastle”. Now I know this is an odd title for a series like this, but I think after today, you will understand the true significance of it.
This series will be focusing on 6 keys to building a marriage that will last. It would be easy to say this is only for married people, but the truth is, this series is for married couples, single people, divorced people, engaged people and those that don’t know really where they are in the process.
The thing that we need to understand from the outset of this series is that relationships are complicated. The world is not doing anything in this day and age to help alleviate the confusion and problems that we encounter. Our society does not even understand what makes a great marriage. Because of it, single people are chasing something that does not exist or they are chasing what does exist in the wrong way. Many married couples are stuck with no way to move forward because they do get that it doesn’t happen magically.
Sandcastles are always interesting to me on the beach. You can tell which ones were built by children and which were done by the adults. People will work on them all day and make some unbelievably amazing structures only to have it knocked down when they are not tending to it.
Many times, a wave will come through and knock them down or people will walk by while you’re gone and kick it over. They don’t last. They looked good in the moment, but they were built to stand the test of time.
I believe that many times our relationships and marriages are built the same way. They are essentially sandcastles on the beach. People spend a lot of time, money, energy and effort into planning a wedding. Some people plan their weddings for years dreaming of the fairytale marriage.
I remember when Summer and I were dating, that she showed my her dream book. It was a scrap book that had everything that she wanted in life in it. In it, she had her dream wedding with the colors picked out, the wedding dress, and the flowers she wanted. She had an image in her mind of what that day would look like. So after we were engaged, she began working out the dream.
We had a big wedding. The church was packed. As a matter of fact, we didn’t even get anything to eat at the reception because we ran out of food. If my mom had not set aside a dish of mints, we would have had nothing for ourselves other than the small piece of cake we fed to each other.
But I can tell you with all confidence today, that after 29 years of marriage, a successful wedding does not mean that you will have a dream marriage. And many times, just like those sandcastles, a lot of work and effort can be done to create an image that simply will not last.
In the bible, we see a series of messages that Jesus taught called “The Sermon on the Mount”. In this series of messages, Jesus spoke about things like fasting, prayer, love, giving, retaliation, and anger and many other things. He ends this message in an interesting way…
Matthew 7:24-27 (ESV) 24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
You and I have a choice when it comes to our relationships and marriage. We can build our lives on things that simply will not last or we can take the time to get the foundations right so that when the wind and the rains come (make no mistake, they will come), our house will continue to stand.
Jesus was showing us that things that are built on the rock of God will stand the test of time, but when we follow the whims and teachings of this world, there is nothing to hold it true.
You may be here today and have seen and felt the results of a house built on a foundation that couldn’t hold. I am not here to beat you up. Everyone of us in this room have had moments when things just didn’t work. This series is not about pointing out the wrongs of our relationships and marriage. Its to show us that there are biblical keys to building something that will last. But it has to be done right at the foundation…not when the finish work comes.
My opinion on anything really doesn’t matter. Its about what God says and what His word shows us that will stand the test of time.
Relationships are complicated for us all. It doesn’t matter what age you are, or how you may have been brought up. They take effort. They take work to get them right. A healthy relationship will not just happen by accident. Leaving something unattended will not lead to healthy growth. It will lead only to disorder and disfunction.
So over the next 6 weeks, we are start knocking Destroying the Sandcastles that we have built in our lives, and in our marriages, and begin to build something better.
The biblical foundations that we will look at over the next 6 weeks are:
Emotional Intimacy
Physical Intimacy (this is not a sex thing)
Financial Intimacy
Spiritual Intimacy
Recreational Intimacy
Sexual Intimacy (this may be a week that you need to think about kids)
As we build back a better marriage and a better plan for marriage in the future, I believe that the Sandcastles that we have built will not longer seem appealing. We will know that God has a better plan than we have, that will last.
I know that I used the word INTIMACY in each of these six areas that will talk about. A lot of times we associate the INTIMACY with SEX. But they are not the same thing. Its more than just being described as that.
Real intimacy in our lives is the foundation for everything that we want. It is the closeness and connection that can only be created by a husband and wife. Becoming one is not just about what happens in a bedroom. Intimacy is about sharing every part of your life with someone. Its the choice to be known and know someone.
Richard Branson, entrepreneur and daredevil, “Every success story is a tale of constant adaptation, revision and change.” You relationships and marriage are no different. You may have had these six things right at the beginning but with time, if you don’t adapt to the changing conditions in your marriage, those foundations can begin to crumble and fail.
These six things that we will focus are there not to stifle your creativity in marriage or to keep you from having fun, but they are there to help cultivate the beauty of your relationship, to give it strength when the wind and rain comes, and to help carry the weight when things get tough.
So today, I want to use the rest of my time to focus on the first key or foundation that you need to have in your marriage or relationship. I want to keep up with these things that refer back to them in the future. I want you talk them over with your spouse later on to see how you all work them out in your relationship.
Foundation #1: Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy by definition is the closeness and connection that is created through sharing of each others feelings, thoughts and desires. This communication happens in verbal and non-verbal ways.
How you communicate to your spouse both verbally and non-verbally will impact every area of your marriage and relationship. The reason this foundation is going to be talked about first, is because it is the workhorse of all the other things that we will delve into.
How you communicate to others impacts every area of your marriage. What you say and more importantly, how you say it does matter.
Every word that comes out of our mouths starts with a thought. From that moment you have that thought, it starts impacting you! That thought, will change how you view other people and how feel like they view you! Even if you don’t say the words out loud, you are already being impacted by them.
Proverbs 4:23 (ESV) Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
When your heart become corrupted by pain or disallusionment, life can’t flow. Your heart is the source of every thought you have. When we guard it right, it will keep our thoughts towards everyone else right. But when we start harboring things that are destructive, we can’t grow or be healthy.
Once you speak those words that you been thinking, they affect you a second time as well. They also have an impact on the person you say them to. There’s another group that it impacts, that is those that are around you.
Summer and I have been honest about our personal journey in marriage, and it’s still a journey. Some days we get it right, and a lot of days we get it wrong. If there is one thing that I really hate about this journey, is that our kids have been in the middle of it at times. They have heard the words and seen our actions. We don’t openly fight in front of the kids, but when voices are raised or even when things get quiet, they know it. They feel it.
The words we speak have power. They are connected to the emotions that we are feeling at any given moment.
Proverbs 18:21 (ESV) Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Luke 6:45 (ESV) The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
What comes out of your mouth is not random. What you hear your spouse say or others say towards you is not random. They begin with a thought. They begin by connecting to the emotion that you feel in your heart.
The biggest damage that happens in relationships happens through the words we use. Words are not just words. They convey things like hurt, love, rejection, compassion, frustration and much more.
Emotional intimacy about taking the time to identify what is behind the words that are being said. The emotions that we are feeling and getting that emotion is what really matters. We have to learn to express what we are feeling and not just the blanket statements that we say a lot of times.
Men, we struggle with emotions. We don’t like them. We like to act like they are not something we deal with. But the truth is, even if you are a person that unemotional, you don’t to be that in marriage. Marriage is about giving who you were to become one with another.
Matthew 19:3-6 (ESV) 3And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Jesus told them that marriage makes you ONE. Understand we are two people entered into this sacred bond, and we have different likes and dislikes. We have a different way of communicating. We may have been brought up different. But it is not an excuse to stay disconnected from one another.
Marriage brings you us into oneness with the other.
It takes two people to have emotional intimacy! It doesn’t happen just because you think about it or wish it to happen. Both people have to participate. This intimacy that you have with your spouse will only happen with them.
So when you are struggling, its not a time to run to mom and dad, or to look outside of your marriage to fix it. You have to come together and understand that there is only person that you have this connection with.
Emotional intimacy is about communication. It’s about communicating EVERYTHING with the other. Extraordinary marriage dont just happen by accident. It’s not just about getting your calendars synced up either. Extraordinary happens when couples are connected in the big things and the little things.
It’s about developing an ability to share all aspects of your life together.
But understanding words that come out of each others mouth is not communication. Good communication is more than that.
Dr Gary Smalley says that understanding words is not the jest of communication, Good communication is more than that. True communication usually does not occur until each person understands the feelings that underlie the words that they use.
The real message behind the words people use is the emotion beneath the words. You and I have to understand the what the other is feeling! And you have to go beyond just hearing the emotion, but allow it to penetrate your heart to feel the anger they have, the hurts, the disappointment…
These things do not just happen naturally. It will take effort. A sandcastle can be a finished product, but nature, the wind and waves, the gravity will begin to cause it to erode immediately.
In your marriage or relationships, the sandcastles that we build are based on things that are not real. The communication that we share that doesn’t get to the heart of what we feel will not lead you to growth. So we have to be willing to destroy the sandcastle of the miscommunication and rebuild our marriage with a solid foundation of understanding.
Proverbs 4:7 (ESV) The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.
It will take work to get to the point where you get insight and understanding on the people you love. It will deeper than just subtle conversations or flirting. Emotional Intimacy is build on communication!
“Effective communication is a dynamic process of discovering and maintaining energy in the relationship.”
Three words in this description you and need to learn if we are going to master the communication aspect of emotional intimacy…
Effective communication is Dynamic!
It changes
It shifts
If you take a break, it is constantly moving and will move past you
Effective communication is a Process!
It’s not a destination to get to
Important things will be communicated along the way
Effective communication will lead to Discovery!
You will learn things you didn’t know
You will learn things you couldn’t have guessed
Effective communication will MAINTAIN ENERGY in the relationship!
It will keep things fun, exciting, satisfying and healthy
But remember, relationships are complicated. You need to know that to get better you will have times that you will misunderstand, that you’re going to have to use a lot of patience, there will trial and error.
So this week, consider what you can do to grow in this area of intimacy in your relationships. Especially if you are married. What is something that is shared with just your spouse that needs to be explored more and used more effectively. And then lastly, kick over the sandcastle of not communicating right and start building a more permanent lasting life for yourselves.